1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
