Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
