Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
