Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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