You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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