I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
