Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
we're making bets on your personal life
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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