Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I need moral support for this bender
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
