Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
