I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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