I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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