i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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