the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize