My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
my shit smells like andre
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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