I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
