Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He did a backflip because drugs
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
