After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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