I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
