im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
