dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
