I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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