just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
