I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
