I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
then he tried to convert me to islam
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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