I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i drank out of a bidet.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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