Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
