you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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