No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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