Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
