I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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