My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
