you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize