So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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