I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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