3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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