I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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