is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
