you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
