She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize