'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
