cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
