I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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