His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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