I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
