Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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