my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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