Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
