if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
