I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize