Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
