Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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