I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
