Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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