i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize