i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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