I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
