the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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