a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
