Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
