I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
