I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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