you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
