when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
