Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
