I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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